Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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