You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
