lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
