this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
