Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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