I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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