SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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