I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
