NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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