This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
