I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
