Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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