I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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