I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i drank out of a bidet.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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