dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
