Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize