I got chris browned last night
I've blown a few things in my day
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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