I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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