i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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