If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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