were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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