You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
