Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
