Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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