I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
