sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
