Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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