In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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