I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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