dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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