I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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