What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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