This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
