Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
