I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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