On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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