the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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