apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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