im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
