That's intense
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
