make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
