Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
