Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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