I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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