Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize