R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
