you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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