Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
