My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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