i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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