Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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