Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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