Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
