Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
