now i know why i became what i already was.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
