Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
