So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
