I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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