I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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